The Joke Thread

Location : Nottingham/Mildenhall

A nun,priest,an Irishman,Scotsman,a rabbi and a blonde walk in to a bar.The barman looks at them and asks "Is this meant to be a joke?"

Location : Nottingham/Mildenhall

Man goes to M-S to buy his wife a maternity bra."What bust" asks the assistant."The bloody condom "replies the man.

Location : Nottingham/Mildenhall

Jimi was talking to his mate at the bar and says"Idon't know what to get the wife for her birthday.She's got everything and besides ,she can afford to buy whatever she wants,i'm so stuck."His friend replies,"I've got an idear.Why don't you make her a certifcate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex any time she wants it..She'd probably love that."

"Thats a brilliant idear" says Jimi,before finishing his pint and heading home. The next day at the bar,his friend asks ,"Well?Did you make the sex certificate?"
"Yes,I did,"Jimi replies."Did she like it?"
"Oh yeah!She thanked me,kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door,yelling "I'll be back in an hour!"

Location : ely Spotter Watch Member : nope

Englishman, irishman, scotsman in the desert, they are all dying of thirst. The englishman says if I die first, bury me in the sand face down so the vulchers cant peck my eyes out. Sure enough he dies so they bury him face down. The scotsman say if I die next bury me in the sand face down so the vulchers cant peck out my eyes. Sure enough he dies so the irishman burys him face down. As he is doing this he thinks who will bury me so he starts digging himself a hole. After a while the hole is big enough so he lays down and starts covering himself over. He almost finishes when someone comes along on a camel and sees his backside sticking out the sand thinking to himself "I cant miss this opertunity" so he does what comes naturaly. Then comes a voice from under the sand " you can peck as hard as you like, you b**t**d you wont reach me eyes"

Moderator Location : Between Coventry and Leicester

A boy lost his job in the chip shop.
His dad goes to find out why.
the owner says I found him with is dick in the potato peeler'.

Dad say's may i see the potato peeler?'

'Nope i fired him as well!

Location : Oxfordshire

Got a text the other day from an anonymous sender.

All it said was N B G A.

If you ask me it's just bang out of order.

Location : Oxfordshire

Bloke orders a quadruple whisky in his local and downs it in one.
Barman says "What's up mate?"
Bloke says "I came home early to find my wife sh*gging my best mate..."
Barman says "so what did you do?"
Bloke says "I told her to pack her stuff and get out"
Barman says "and what about your best mate?"
Bloke says "I said BAD DOG! Get back in your basket..." Whistle

Location : Oxfordshire

Stevie Wonder plays a brilliant 3 hour set in Tokyo.

At the end he stands up and shouts "Does anyone have any requests?"

A Japanese man at the front shouts "Yes, play a jazz chord"

Stevie then treats the crowd to 15 minutes of wonderful Harlem Jazz. Then as the applause dies down the same man is heard to shout "No! Play a jazz chord!"

So Stevie leans down to where he thinks the man is and shouts, "Well if you think you can sdo better you little ****** **** ****, come up and have a go yourself" so the little Japanese guy climbs up on stage and sits down at the piano and starts to play and sing....

"A jazz chord to say ahh ruv you" Roll Eyes